Wednesday, November 21, 2012

A really tough week...

So I try to go to bed at a good time. It was midnight, that is good for me. This week has been so hard though, so much going on, so much for my brain to try to work through and trying to maintain and to fully function without crawling into a pit of despair. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep the past 4 days and I know it will pass, it normally does. I just lay there not able to get comfortable feeling my heart beating steady,strong but maybe a bit too fast. It is not a calming feeling at all to have your brain working a million miles a minute and you can't turn it off, I try to focus on the white noise coming from Bruce's cpap machine and I try to focus on the warm fuzzy cat laying at my feet, those little comforting things, the warm blanket, my husband next to me. I try so hard to get my brain to shut off and just drift away to sleep, hoping that no dreams will come. I would rather have no dreams than the crazy dreams I have some nights.
I get out of bed and know that doing a little writing and having a cup of tea may help calm me down, so that is what I am doing.
So what should I write about some of the thoughts that where consuming my mind that I just had to get out of my bed. First there is the planning everything for Thanksgiving, going over all my recipes in my mind and making sure I have everything, what pots & pans I need to get together to take over too may father n laws house. Secondly there is the just lingering sadness that has been welling up in me this week, the first Thanksgiving & My first Birthday without my mom in my life. The sadness I am still dealing with.
Seriously, I know grief is a hard road to travel through and I am glad I have things to keep me busy, I just want to stop hurting, and for it to be a little easier. I don't have that getting kicked in the chest feeling everyday, but this week has been especially hard, and I am doing the best I can to get through it in a positive and healthy way. I watch my drinking and I only medicate when I am a blubbering mess. I know I am handling everything well, just some nights it is so hard to just turn off the thoughts.

So I will make another cup of tea and listen to some music, right now It Florence & the machine Live at Abbey Road. I really need to get to bed soon, I have alot of baking to do tomorrow for Thanksgiving. But I feel better already, just getting some of this crap out of my mind.


Saturday, November 17, 2012

Love affair with the rain...

Has anyone every had a love affair with the rain. Since last night I am enjoying the beauty of the rain on such an intense level like I never have before. I have been thinking on very deep levels lately and some things being worked around in my mind are scaring the shit out of me, but I feel at peace and I feel I am able to finally let the rain wash it all away, or just let it wash it from my mind. I am writing alot. I am waiting for the next storm tonight to really get some of this out of my mind. Thought I would just share my love affair with the rain right now. As I am waiting for the return of another little storm that is rolling through Northern California. We really needed the rain. And I needed it more than I ever thought I could.

Forecast is for rain by 5pm! I got really excited looking at the weather report. 

 5 PM-1am


Friday, November 16, 2012

Just a hypnotic rainy night...

    It is a warm rainy night, I am siting on the couch reading "Cleopatra-A life" by Stacy Schiff

being transported to another time. The rain became louder and I just closed my eyes,put my book on the coffee table and was hypnotically taken over. I laid on the couch for 30 minutes just listening to the rain until I was interrupted by my dog nudging me. It was time for his evening walk to pee. For those 30 minutes I felt so relaxed, all encompassed by this overwhelming feeling of peace. It has been months since I have felt that.
 I got up took the dog out to pee. He loves to play in the rain. We stayed out to long. I need to play in the rain more. Seriously It felt so good.
I came back inside and decide not to pick my book back up, but to turn some music on and write a short blog.
I turned on Amanda Palmer's latest album "Theatre is Evil". It is the perfect rainy night album. The songs "Grown man Cry" and "Bottomfeeder" is killing me right now with the sound of the pounding rain on top of these amazing songs!
I have been really sad lately and I have been writing in my journal but haven't had the guts to write anything for this blog. I have been keeping busy doing everyday things. But I have been painting alot more. Painting makes me happy and is great stress relief for me. I feel a great release of stored up energy and emotions when I put something on canvas. I recently made a piece for Bruce. It was my interpretation of the Pink Floyd "Dark Side of the Moon" album cover.
I really like the way it turned out. It is a good size 16x20. He really likes it,and keeps saying..."I better paint more, you are better at it than I ever thought you where". Thanks Bruce! :)
So I will paint more, I haven't started anything new since last week, Thanksgiving is coming up and I have been practicing a few pie recipes, and getting everything ready because I am cooking for 8 people this year. I am looking forward to the distraction and I get so much enjoyment out of cooking and it is nice that this year I have my hubby's family to cook for. I love my husband's family. I am really lucky. They are amazing people. And they are lucky I am a great cook! It will just be nice to have a no thrills, no fighting, stress free Thanksgiving, very much unlike the thanksgiving I had as a child. I cook every year. The past 11 years especially since Bruce and the kids came into my life.

My Birthday is next week too, I am not sure how I feel about it. Kinda sad,trying not to dwell on it...because it is not all about me. Somedays I just want to be alone and cry. One good thing I can fake being ok very well. I am ok... noone should be worried about me. I am just a sad grieving girl working through alot of things in her mind. I have alot to keep me busy which is good because I can not dwell on my shit for too long. I listen too alot of music and that is my therapy.
 So there I wrote a short blog. Maybe I will feel like sharing more soon. For now I hope everyone has an amazing Thanksgiving and don't worry about what you have, or that you are not having the Norman Rockwell pictured Thanksgiving and you feel your life is shit. all will be ok!

Be thankful for what little you do have. Whatever it is. I hope you can find the joy in every little thing. Life is to fucking short. Time is fleeting for us all.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

"If Roseanne Barr ever wants to be president, she needs to stop being a Snarky Bitch"

 I just had a twitter spat with Roseanne Barr....yes that Roseanne Barr. The comedian that had the fantastically funny TV show in the 90's, that I watched with my mother religiously, (my mother was a real life Roseanne...a bit crazier though) glad my mother isn't here today...she would be disappointed in Roseanne Barr!  
Well Roseanne Barr did it she is on the ballot for President of the United States here in California! You can actually Vote for Roseanne.
And I am a fan of hers...and her politics, but after today. Re thinking that. 
Is she really in this too make a change, or is she in this to just stir the pot in our political system?
I wanted to reach out to tell her that I would love to vote for her...but that I think that if we just vote for her, that would take votes away from Obama, and give Romney the lead...that can't happen.
Because seriously...Roseanne Barr will not be our next President. But kudos for her getting on the ballot.
I searched high and low online to see if she is even on all the ballots for every state, I can only confirm 5 states. 
 What would be the point of it all than, her running for President, just because she can and she got on the ballot.
Maybe get a few thousand votes, that could cause Obama to loose to Romney. 
  Obama losing the election. I just can't think about what will happen if he loses this election. I can't even bring myself to begin to think about the atrocity of that.  
Say it where possible that we all just "All voted for Roseanne Barr" and she won??? what then??
 I thought really long about this...and than I decided to tweet her. I am a huge fan of hers. I wanted to tell her how I felt conflicted.
But I wasn't expecting her reaction to be what it was, and I really think this is something we should all care about and be able to discuss...and the fact that she is a choice for the next President of the United States.
I care about my country and I care about politics...and it should mean something to you too. Does it??

Here is what went down on twitter.

Me: @TheRealRoseanne getting a kick out of seeing ur name on my absentee ballot! WISH U WOULD WIN,scared ur votes may give Mitt lead! #VOTEOBAMA

(guess this hit a nerve for her...this was her response)

Roseanne: @RiotPoofFairy obama is going to win-don't worry-then you can go back to enjoying the poverty he created for u!

Me: @TheRealRoseanne last time I checked..I am not living in Poverty! good way to get votes! always a Snarky Bitch! will always love ur politics!

(maybe I shouldn't have called her a Snarky Bitch...but she is a self professed one!)

Roseanne: @RiotPoofFairy good! then vote obama or romney-good luck!

Me:@TheRealRoseanne If U are really serious about running for president why are you not out there speaking! get more votes! I want to vote 4 u!

(She blocked me,so I can't message her anymore)

Me:@TheRealRoseanne I would love to vote for you,but you can't even have a twitter chat,without going on the defensive and blocking people. 
(She will still see my tweets though)

Me:Do not take politics as a joke just to stir the pot...PLEASE DON'T VOTE for @therealroseanne #VOTEOBAMA

That was...interesting!
EVERYONE...please take this Election seriously!!!

Including you...Roseanne Barr!
Roseanne...I still love are a courageous, funny and smart woman. And I do share alot of the same political views that you do.
But I will not be voting for you and I will be campaigning for Obama against you! You used to be and idol of mine. A strong woman that I thought I looked up too.
Sadly...I think I was wrong. 

Monday, October 8, 2012

For my fellow Tori fans...Sneak peak at a part of a chapter that is being edited for my book...

From (Chapter 2)                 “Little Earthquakes”

I have always been a sad girl, a sad girl who found her friendships with libraries on every military base she lived. There are things that make me feel a little jolt of happiness still to this day. Books and Music. But Music has always been the only thing I could turn too when I felt like I couldn't go on. Even now after the death of my mother is still as fresh as a new wound there are days that music is all that can get me off the couch, help me do the dishes. Music has saved my life when I needed it.
            When I was a little girl I would curl up next to the speakers in the living room and listen to whatever my parents where listening too. My mother had the better taste in music. I still love a lot of the music she used to listen too. But then with that little pleasure comes music that can shake my soul, I think of the music that was playing when my father would come home from work and it takes me right back to those moments. The despair I felt the rush that would overcome my body when he stepped in the door. To this day I can’t listen to The Little River Band. It brings back so many horrible memories of my father. My mother would put on the album for him when he came home from work. They were his favorite band. But for me I have tried over the years to listen to them, but the thoughts are too much. I can close my eyes and see his leather boots coming through the door, I can see his uniform, and I can smell his cologne. It makes me sick to my stomach.
            Why does music make a place in our brains like this? And why can’t I stop it from happening. Some music is so heartbreaking and than there are the songs that are a huge catharsis in healing.
            Music is still my shelter, despite not being able to listen to a few bands or songs anymore. I can still turn on my favorite music and it can take me away from the pain, the loneliness and the despair of my past. When I was 13 I first heard Tori Amos’s album “Little Earthquakes” I actually was in the Air force library on Gunter Air Force base where I lived in Montgomery, Alabama. I went to the library a lot after school to get some time to myself before I had to be home at 6pm for our regularly scheduled dinner. And that is no joke…I would have been sore for days If I was late for dinner. I was not allowed to be late for family dinner…ever! I dreaded having to sit around the table with my family and eat every night. Just like each night before my mother would fill my plate military man portion size and I would have to eat it all, this leading me to be overweight and always feeling sick to my stomach. Stuffed.  My father made me eat it all, there where no excuses. The more I think about it, I think my father loved me being overweight. Control. Even though he would tease me about it later, he got off on control.
            The one thing he could never control was what music I listened too. I would go into my room and drown out to the sounds that came from my little pink cassette player and my headphones. I would regularly check tapes out from the library, and this is how I came across Tori Amos. I was flipping through the rack one day and saw the cover picture of this red headed woman in a box. “Little Earthquakes” she found me that day. And I told the library weeks later I lost the tape, and since it was the first time, they didn’t fine me at all. I still have that tape. It sits on my bookshelf with all of my special treasures.
            I remember that day so clearly, once I saw the cover of  “Little Earthquakes” and I turned it over to see the titles of the songs. Some of the titles stuck out to me and I felt something.” Crucify” “Silent all these years” “Tear in Your hand” “Mother” those titles just hit me like a blanket. I cannot describe exactly what I felt, but I had found something and it felt right. And it still does. Once I checked out the tape and a few books that I cannot remember the titles of now. I walked home looking at the insert of the cassette.
The first few lyrics to “Crucify” really got to me.
“Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now”

It was everything I was feeling about my life. At 13 years old, this was the first time I felt like there was somehow help for everything I was going through. I started to cry as I walked home, I didn’t know why I was crying. I just felt overwhelmed and I couldn’t wait to listen to what this woman had to say. I got home and I noticed I had about an hour before my father was home from work and I saw my mother in the kitchen preparing to have dinner done by 6. So I said Hi, she didn’t say much back to me. She never really ever asked how my day was or how was school. I always went to the library right after school. The bus dropped me off closer to the library than to my house. She knew where to find me if she ever needed me.

(I don’t remember in my life a time when my mother ever took me to the library. She didn’t read books to us as kids. She used the tv as the babysitter. And I don’t remember her ever sitting in a chair and just reading.) add to revision Ch.4-section 2  ( brother add in the part about both of you having tvs in your rooms and the event that lead up to it and the next day you went out to buy tv's (journal 5,page 46)

So after visiting my mother in the kitchen I went through the living room, where my brother was glued to the tv. He didn’t notice me pass by. I am 3 yrs older than my brother so he was about 10 at the time. I went to my room, I closed the door, took off my shoes. And sat on my bed with my pink cassette player and my headphones, and I put the tape in.  From the first beat of “Crucify” I was sucked in. I listened as this woman sang about how she was “looking for a savior” I thought to myself, I am too. Someone to save me from the daily terror I feel, the aching inside that is slowly eating at me. And then she sang, “Why do we crucify ourselves everyday”? I cried I cried so hard. I didn’t know that I could feel this way listening to music. I normally tried to listen to music that made me feel happy.

Before Tori the music I was listening too... write more about other musicians you where listening too at that time. More about your parents music and songs, and those that still make you violently ill.

When the next song “Girl” started I felt haunted by this woman Tori Amos, I felt like she had stepped into the shadows of my bedroom my life and she knew everything about me. From her lyrics “She’s been everybody else’s girl, Maybe one day she’ll be her own”  It destroyed me. I didn’t know I could cry this much, and I had a hard time listening to the end of the song where the man’s voice come over and says “Sit in the chair and be good now” I had to turn it off when the song finished. I pulled my self up from my bed and went into the bathroom. I sat down on the lid of the toilet and turned the water on and cried more.
            After about 10 minutes I got up and washed my face and put on some of mom's makeup she had in the bathroom little to cover the redness of my face. I knew it had to be close to that time, and my father would be home really soon. I didn’t want him to see me upset. So I pulled myself together and I went back into my room. I walked over to the bed and sat and looked at the pictures and words in the insert for the cassette tape. How could this music make me feel this way? I took the tape out, put it back in its case, and tucked it under my pillow. I felt like I had to hide her. I had never hid music before, never had a need too. But I didn’t want anyone seeing this girl for some reason. 

P.S. Later that night my father and I had our worst fight and he found the tape. But it was the last night my father ever touched me.

       You will have to read about that in my book....stay tuned....editing is a bitch...and I am a crazy writer,I hand write alot, and chapters from my journals have to be put together,I am seriously an editors nightmare. It is all over the place. but we had someone look at it and that has helped. a professional too, they have given us lots of advice and we are going to start working again! Could be another year before it's published, but this is the exact thing we need to do to get through this grief finish this book! My mom would be proud if I finished it too, I feel I have some more motivation now to do so. it is all written, just needs to be put together. We are finally going to finish it.

"I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross"

~Tori Amos 

Friday, September 28, 2012

October is Coming...

October is coming...I have so much in my brain to write down and alot to reflect about. Waking up this morning I could feel October approaching.The crisp air, The calmness. The Holidays coming up. My mother's fave time of year as well. It is very fitting that on Oct 1st, I should be receiving the shipment of her belongings. I have not been able to write about the day we spread her ashes. But I will. I am feeling better, I am dealing with the Grief, I still have my spells of crying. I am still sad, but I know it will get better. I have alot to keep me busy. I cook and care for my elderly father n law, husband helps too. That keeps us busy. But for myself I have been painting. It feels good to be accomplishing something creative right now. I listen to at least 6-8 hours of music everyday, more so than I ever have before. I rarely turn on the TV anymore. (I have a few shows I like,but I just watch them on demand when I feel like it) I love to relax and watch a good movie though. Some of my friends say that I am spending too much time inside, but it is all that comforts me to stay home and be with myself, my emotions, where I can have a crying spell and not be in public. The other day I got upset in the grocery store when I saw a girl my age helping her mom around the store. It just brought me back to the last time I was with my mom, helping her around...and not being able to do that anymore. It is sad...but my hubby, my step daughter and myself...we have all lost our mothers in untimely ways. Out of everyone I know, they know what I am feeling and I don't have to say anything they silently understand.

Everyday is different, Everyday brings different emotions. 
I have to take it one day at a time. 

Today I am trying to finish cleaning up my house and making room for mom's belongings. 
And trying to finish a painting I started this week, it is my version of a Vincent van Gogh's painting of Plum trees. Here is the original!

Here are 2 pics of the process of my version:
1-Background colors...may add more yellow? maybe?
2-Started tree over background
Still working on it, but will share when done!

(update) I added the small trees in the background last night and am working on them now!

(Painting Update 10/19/12)

Just finished the majority of this painting,need to add some calligraphy to the empty boxes. But overall done, and I am happy with it.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

The Night Before...

I am so anxious, so crazed. I am calming my nerves with Music and drink. Jim Morrison & Jameson! Husband and I are toasting to Life & Death. I haven't felt this much Peace since even before my mom died. But I have to say I don't think I have felt this way before. Maybe I have never truly known Peace. I know I truly never had met grief until she just recently stepped in. I have known Anger and I have know Despair, Sadness and I dance regularly, but Grief is just showing her ugly head.

They say you can't really appreciate life until you loose someone very close to you. I feel Life so much more now, The whole world looks different. People seem different. I feel like I can spot those that have felt the true grasp of grief, you can see it in there eyes.

It has only been two months, and I am still grieving, still working through these crazy emotions. Everyone tells me I am handling it well. I think so, I have found solace in Art & Music, I have stopped doing frivolous things. I don't feel like I have time for those things anymore. I still enjoy some good junk television every now and then. I am so happy I have gotten back into painting. It was a part of me that was missing for so long. There is no excuse to not do those things that make us feel amazing. I want to finish my book and I plan on doing that as soon as I can get back into writing again. I know that will take some time. But for now I have an outlet to express myself. This blog gives me a little space to write some feelings out.

My Mom would be proud of all that I have done in the past 2 months. She would be happy with the way I have dealt with loosing her. She would be proud that I kept my cool with her family during some really trying times. I am still grieving and I give myself time to loose it sometimes and I have cried and I will cry more...but I haven't wallowed too much where I have lost sight of everything. I am getting on with life because I still have alot to do.

My mother will always be with me. Like tonight...the night before I scatter her ashes, I feel her so close. This may sound strange, but I feel like she is waiting to be scattered at sea. I know tomorrow after we scatter her ashes, I know I will feel like she has finally left me and has gone on. Exactly what she wanted. Her wishes carried out. With some of her favorite music playing as we say our final goodbyes to each other.

So tonight the night before, I will listen to lots of music. I will not drink too much, because I never do. I know my limits. I will miss my mom, but life goes on.

Goodbye Mom, I love you and will "Carry" you in my heart forever.