Saturday, July 14, 2012


So I had a very stressful visit to Iowa. When I first arrived I had a chance to go get my rental car, run to the hotel,luckily the room was ready before 10am.And I could check in and shower up and go and meet my 1/2 sisters. One I had never met and one I met when I was in High School, 17 years ago. It was so easy seeing them, there was no stress and it was so shocking to be looking at myself through them, some mannerisms the same. We all share the same mother but different fathers. But it was undeniable that we were related in some way.

 It was an amazing visit with them. And I know they will be in my life for a long time, there is a connection. I wish that I had more time while I was there, but there will be more in the future.

Dealing with my mother and seeing her deplete in front of me is really hard to watch. It is really hard because I am doing the best I can to know how to deal with it, I love her...she is my mother, but on the other hand she wasn't  a great mother, not even close and in a way I know she has had a tortured life and I know that she will be better off when she is not here anymore, she has suffered her whole life, most of it by her actions but some of it that was beyond her control. You don't choose the life you are born into. But you do choose where you go from there.

So I had to deal with getting some issues with my aunt and future care for her together.  That was easy. We had days out where we went to the movies,and had Ice cream and played bingo at the home where she lives. She is in a wheel chair, so getting in and out of the care and dealing with going to the mall where handicap accessibility should not be a problem this day and age but unfortunately it still is, was really upsetting to us both.

She is on a lot of medication, some I think is a toxic cocktail, adding to why she is not always conscious or spouting gibberish or talking to shadows.It was upsetting to watch.

But this trip really made me think about alot that has happened in my life, and it really was awakening, so I am glad through all the stress that I could find some inspiration in between the madness.

The last day of my trip, I called her to say good morning and to ask her what i could bring her for lunch, she sounded well and gave me her subway sandwich order. And upon arriving to see her walking into her room, she was laying on the bed.unconscious, unresponsive, eyes rolled back into her head, and was not answering any questions. she looked like she had a stroke or a seizure. So they rushed her to the hospital, and I spent the last day there with her in the hospital, but I had a flight the next am and I could not change it. I needed to leave. That was hard.

My aunt is staying in touch and keeping me up to date with her status, they are evaluating her, but she is still in the hospital as I type this, and they have no idea what is going on, she is mentally not there anymore. 

I am keeping myself busy, working on getting our house reorganized after 6 months of cleaning out the old and starting a new, with new furniture. It is a happy time for Bruce and I we are getting along well, and we have some time alone while my step-daughter is out of town.
And we have a new couch to cuddle on and watch ridiculous movies. Like we used too.

Overall I am happy, and I have not felt this good in awhile, sometimes it takes trauma to really make you see how good you really have it.

I love my life, and I love myself a little more everyday, and I dont feel like I have to explain anything to anyone. I am living each day enjoying all the small shit. I am content...and that is ok...its just enough.
And it has been the easiest it has been in a long time.

I wish this feeling to last.

Here is a pic of my mom when she won Bingo!
This one makes me happy.
 I got a lot of writing done while I was in Iowa though, since I had a lot of early nights at my hotel.
Now to put it together and type it up. Constant work in progress, I can't wait to get this rough Proof  done.

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