Wednesday, July 18, 2012

My mom died yesterday...

My phone rang at 4:45am July 17th, immediately I knew she had died. That phone call shook my soul.I had just been to visit my mom, because I knew she was sick and not getting better. We had a great time together while I was there, but I had to come home. I knew leaving it was going to be the last time I saw her. But I didn't know that she would die 5 days later.
Of course in times like this you have regrets, Like I wish I would have stayed and I could have been there with her till the end. She had my aunts there with her. But of course I regret leaving.
I had to make those phone calls to my siblings,my 2 half sisters. And the hardest call so far of my life was to my brother. I know he is going to have a really hard time with this. I wish I could hug him and be there with him. But we all have our lives to live even when someone dies. That is the hardest thing to continue with. I am trying to do my best to be strong for everyone.
The only thing that helped me yesterday was lying on the couch and listening to music all day. A couple Valium and I could finally relax and take a little nap. But every time I almost got to the point of relaxation the phone would ring, and I would have to talk to someone about it all over again.
I still had to get on with my regular day,which included cooking dinner for my father in law. People still depend on me. That gives me comfort.
My friend came over to have dinner with me, and brought some much needed wine and some "mums" (flowers) he is such a great guy "mums for your mum" he said. He makes me smile, and he helped me get out of my head even if it was for a short period of time. It was a much needed distraction. I can't imagine not having great people in my life to help me through this hard time. 
Waking up today was so hard and immediately I started crying. Today feels like a brick to my body. I hurt everywhere and I can't stop crying.
All the words of love and condolences I have received from friends online has been really nice. Just knowing that others are thinking of me, is helping.
I don't know what the day has in store for me, just trying to make coffee this morning was a real task trying to see trough the tears.
Husband wants to drive to the beach with his dad, But I don't think I can do it today. I don't want to loose my composure in front of his dad,it could really upset him. He is elderly and I don't want to bring back memories of him loosing his wife. Just better If I stay home where I can mourn in peace and not worry about being in public.
Time to try to relax now, So I am going to watch some of mom's favorite movies "The Rose" and "Beaches"and try to zone out. I listened to Janis Joplin a lot yesterday, my mom and I had a discussion years ago that when she passed away, I promised her I would rock out to Janis for her, because she said she would be sharing a drink with her now.
I just needed to get some of my feelings out for now. Writing has always helped me.

                                                       Cheri Davis 12-11-52 ~ 7-17-12

Mom, you have left this earth and your body. But I feel you closer than ever. You are at peace. I can
feel it.

This picture was taken 6 days before my mom died. 

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