Saturday, August 25, 2012

Planning Mom's scattering Ceremony...

Sept 16th, 2012 we will have my mom's scattering ceremony at the mouth of the Russian River where it enters the pacific Ocean.
 I will be putting together a little ceremony, music, a few words. And than scattering her ashes.
So far none of my siblings will be there. In life I was really the only one who dealt with her, her crazy. I guess it was easier for everyone else to just run away so they didn't have to see her for what she was. It hurts. But I never gave up on her, she was a good person despite bad things she did. We all have demons. I just wish others didn't treat her like a burden and only did what they had too for her, not what they wanted to do for her.

My emotions are all over the place and lead my mind to some really dark places, I should not judge anyone for not being at my mother's scattering ceremony. It is their choice and I should be more excepting of others decisions. I fear I may really hurt someone's feelings by what I have written. I am just trying to work through my emotions, and the purge of writing does help, it is never my intention to hurt anyone with the words I have written.

I am having a really hard time with the death of my mother. Because NO! she was not a great mother. and yes I have issues with her. And finally in death now, I think I will be able to work through them and begin to deal with them. But I never gave up on her.

In dealing with the pain and grief I have been going through, I have turned to Art. Which my mother taught me growing up and I later went to school for. I am a very creative person, and it feels so good to be getting back into the creative side of me. With becoming a wife and step mother, for the past 10 years, it wasn't about me and I had to give up on doing some of these things. I had to do what I needed to do to keep my husband and his children healthy and cared for. Now that I have time and during this emotional upheaval I can rediscover this side of myself again.

My mother's ashes came in a box wrapped in wrapping paper that has a marble like effect.
and glued to to front was the information about the cremation/certificate of death and such.
This the box with my mom's ashes,on the right side of the picture.

But I will have to open the wrapping and take out the ashes from the box for the scattering ceremony. So I decided to make scattering boxes for her ashes to be housed in until the ceremony. And I made a box for my brother and my 2 half sisters.  I figured these boxes could be a nice keepsake for them to have once the ceremony was over. I plan on putting a vial of sand from the beach where her ashes were scattered inside.

 I was hoping they would be present for the ceremony, but they have issues of there own with the death of there mother they never really knew and I am sad about it. But I will get through it with my hubby and my close friends who will be there to support me and to give me a shoulder to cry on.

My Brother told me today he is still not sure if he is going to be able to make it as well. And this got me thinking about how hard this is for him right now. And so I told him that if it came down to it I would mail him some of my mom's ashes to sprinkle in the Atlantic ocean, where he is. I mean the "ocean" is the ocean right. I know my mom would be ok with me making this one exception. She would want me to do anything to make him feel better. So I am. But he said he is still trying his hardest to make it. He recently just got out of the Coast guard and is trying to find a new job and starting a new life. And I just want him to feel that I care about him and that I would do anything for him. We had a rough childhood, and I always took care of him and I always made sure he was safe, I didn't care what happened to me as long as he was ok. I have always been a nurturer/caregiver. I think it was one of the roles of my life I was supposed to play. I do it well.

I feel Peace in knowing that my mom's ashes will be scattered soon, and I think it will be a big step in my healing process. I am actually looking forward to setting her free. I know that sounds weird, she is free, this is just her remains.  But I have this odd sense that she is waiting for me to do this. It will be a loving memorable day and there will be tears, but there will be healing. and I can sure use a dose of healing today.

I am reading this book: "I Wasn't ready to Say Goodbye"

It is really helping and I am glad I am working through it. As far as the book is telling me I am doing a good job working through my grief. I am doing a lot of journaling. And I think I will try to Blog more.

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