I am so anxious, so crazed. I am calming my nerves with Music and drink. Jim Morrison & Jameson! Husband and I are toasting to Life & Death. I haven't felt this much Peace since even before my mom died. But I have to say I don't think I have felt this way before. Maybe I have never truly known Peace. I know I truly never had met grief until she just recently stepped in. I have known Anger and I have know Despair, Sadness and I dance regularly, but Grief is just showing her ugly head.
They say you can't really appreciate life until you loose someone very close to you. I feel Life so much more now, The whole world looks different. People seem different. I feel like I can spot those that have felt the true grasp of grief, you can see it in there eyes.
It has only been two months, and I am still grieving, still working through these crazy emotions. Everyone tells me I am handling it well. I think so, I have found solace in Art & Music, I have stopped doing frivolous things. I don't feel like I have time for those things anymore. I still enjoy some good junk television every now and then. I am so happy I have gotten back into painting. It was a part of me that was missing for so long. There is no excuse to not do those things that make us feel amazing. I want to finish my book and I plan on doing that as soon as I can get back into writing again. I know that will take some time. But for now I have an outlet to express myself. This blog gives me a little space to write some feelings out.
My Mom would be proud of all that I have done in the past 2 months. She would be happy with the way I have dealt with loosing her. She would be proud that I kept my cool with her family during some really trying times. I am still grieving and I give myself time to loose it sometimes and I have cried and I will cry more...but I haven't wallowed too much where I have lost sight of everything. I am getting on with life because I still have alot to do.
My mother will always be with me. Like tonight...the night before I scatter her ashes, I feel her so close. This may sound strange, but I feel like she is waiting to be scattered at sea. I know tomorrow after we scatter her ashes, I know I will feel like she has finally left me and has gone on. Exactly what she wanted. Her wishes carried out. With some of her favorite music playing as we say our final goodbyes to each other.
So tonight the night before, I will listen to lots of music. I will not drink too much, because I never do. I know my limits. I will miss my mom, but life goes on.
Goodbye Mom, I love you and will "Carry" you in my heart forever.