Wednesday, November 21, 2012

A really tough week...

So I try to go to bed at a good time. It was midnight, that is good for me. This week has been so hard though, so much going on, so much for my brain to try to work through and trying to maintain and to fully function without crawling into a pit of despair. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep the past 4 days and I know it will pass, it normally does. I just lay there not able to get comfortable feeling my heart beating steady,strong but maybe a bit too fast. It is not a calming feeling at all to have your brain working a million miles a minute and you can't turn it off, I try to focus on the white noise coming from Bruce's cpap machine and I try to focus on the warm fuzzy cat laying at my feet, those little comforting things, the warm blanket, my husband next to me. I try so hard to get my brain to shut off and just drift away to sleep, hoping that no dreams will come. I would rather have no dreams than the crazy dreams I have some nights.
I get out of bed and know that doing a little writing and having a cup of tea may help calm me down, so that is what I am doing.
So what should I write about...how about some of the thoughts that where consuming my mind that I just had to get out of my bed. First there is the planning everything for Thanksgiving, going over all my recipes in my mind and making sure I have everything, what pots & pans I need to get together to take over too may father n laws house. Secondly there is the just lingering sadness that has been welling up in me this week, the first Thanksgiving & My first Birthday without my mom in my life. The sadness I am still dealing with.
Seriously, I know grief is a hard road to travel through and I am glad I have things to keep me busy, I just want to stop hurting, and for it to be a little easier. I don't have that getting kicked in the chest feeling everyday, but this week has been especially hard, and I am doing the best I can to get through it in a positive and healthy way. I watch my drinking and I only medicate when I am a blubbering mess. I know I am handling everything well, just some nights it is so hard to just turn off the thoughts.

So I will make another cup of tea and listen to some music, right now It Florence & the machine Live at Abbey Road. I really need to get to bed soon, I have alot of baking to do tomorrow for Thanksgiving. But I feel better already, just getting some of this crap out of my mind.

Goodnight~



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